29 December 2011

Flightless Bird

I am currently listening to "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron & Wine on repeat. It's both romantic and lovely and sorrowful and hopeless, which is kind of how I've been feeling lately. I'm SO grateful to have Mackenzie in my life. He is definitely meant for me, and we compliment each other so well. He is selfless and humble and everything I could ask for in a husband. I am so in love with him and full of gratitude every day that I am his and he is mine, and that we will be together for eternity.

Because I love him so much and because he needs to finish school, we moved here to Moses Lake, his hometown. He has gone to 3 different schools and his credits did not really transfer, so we chose to finish up his Associates degree at the cheapest school, which is here. I was a little nervous to move to such a small, secluded place. After living in a town of 1,000 all summer, I felt more prepared than ever because Moses Lake has 20,000 people! I felt good about it. However, being here has proved to be more of a challenge than I ever could have imagined. It's not just the size of the place, though that does factor into the boredom level that I often experience.

It's been hard because I don't really hang out with anyone but his family. I love his family, but it's difficult at times because they are SO completely different from me and my family, and it's hard to not have anyone my own age/in a similar situation. This has been especially hard for me during Christmas. I miss my family more than I ever have before, probably because we're with his family and that makes me think of mine and all of the fun things they're doing together without me. It's hard assimilating into a new family, for anyone. It's especially hard when they're some of the only friends you've got and you don't have any similar interests.

I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to break down. Christmas is over, which is already a depressing time. We know some people we can hang out with on New Year's, but I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying.

I was thinking of how ungrateful and selfish and pathetic this whole post is, especially because of all of the people that I know who have "real" problems that aren't so trivial. But then I realized that it doesn't matter what a trial looks like to other people. What matters is how our trials affect us, and how they make us feel. Does the Savior decide to only comfort those who have lost a family member or who are struggling financially or dying of a disease? No. He cares about each of us, independent of others' trials and sufferings. He will succor me. He will succor the ones I know who have more "serious" trials. He has felt the loneliness that I feel just as much as He has felt the pain of losing a child. He gives us these trials so that we are humbled and learn to rely on Him. He is the only one on whom we can truly rely. He has felt every pain that anyone has ever felt or ever will feel. He is there because He loves us.


  1. I've thought about that too, Why should I think I have it hard at all when a million other people have it twenty times worse. But I realized that throughout life everyone is prepared or hardened for their own trials. I've been prepared for mine, and I've grown up and gotten stronger because of silly trials I've gone though, but others have gotten stronger than me so they can deal with more, and that's ok.

  2. This is almost exactly how I felt when Payce and I lived in AZ for 2 years while he went to school. I love what you said at the end, it took me a long time to realize what you already have, but now that we've moved again I know I would move back there if we felt it was where we were supposed to be. Fingers crossed that never happens... but the Lord will help us through trials of any size. And if you like dogs, you should get a little tiny puppy, that made everything better for us :)

  3. Ali, I totally know what you mean!! It really is hard moving away from everything and everyone :( I had a really hard time at first, but things will improve, and having a great husband definitely helps! I am so happy for you both, and hope we can see each other sometime soon, bisous!!

  4. Good for you for trying to keep things in perspective. Great post!

  5. So true! I find myself feeling guilty for struggling with the teeny tiny trials I have in life. But there is no need to feel guilty and I love how you said the Lord doesn't differentiate...He will succor me in my little trials just as He does others in their trials. Great post, and a good thing for me to remember so thanks!!